Dear Senior Year of College

Dear Senior Year,

It feels crazy to blame all that has happened on you. It feels crazy to think that my last year of college has started off like this. It feels crazy that I can’t control any of it.

I understand you want me to work my hardest, Senior Year. I understand you want me to break through this shield of self doubt regardless of the hard evidence that has been standing in my way. I understand you want me to be able to say “I did that” and continue on with my adult life. I understand you want to test me, and boy have you ever.

I couldn’t have predicted that I would barely see my friends or that I would make it out for a drink once a month. Isn’t my 21st year supposed to be full of excitement, endless nights, emotion and chaos? Well, its full of three of those things.

Endless nights…you mean sleepless nights consisting of me, my computer screen, and loads of coffee. Endless nights, indeed, Senior Year.

Emotion…lots of it, Senior Year. Hasn’t been much of the good kind, either. I think I’m disappointed, Senior Year. I think I was looking forward to things that failed to happen. I think I wanted more than I was available to receive and I’m sorry for that.

Chaos…not the kind I was wishing for. I haven’t had crazy nights with my friends. I have barely had any nights with them. This chaos is too involved to explain to you, Senior Year. I don’t know how you were expecting me to handle this.

I’m tired, Senior Year. Emotionally, physically, psychologically. I’m tired.

Maybe this is a lesson? Is that true? Maybe all of this was supposed to show me things I have been avoiding. Or maybe all of this was supposed to reveal the tippy top of the anxiety mountain that has been building these past 3 years.

Whatever it is, Senior Year, I am going to believe in you. I am going to allow you to show me the way. I will walk with you, Senior Year. To class, to work, and back home for another sleepless night. I will talk with you, Senior Year. About my problems, my successes, and my feelings. Its just us, Senior Year. I think its time I have thought of you as a coach instead of a bully.

 

 

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